The Prince Bride: Surviving the Fire Swamp
by Sagarian
Summary: The Lord of the Rings characters meet The Princess Bride universe. Uhhh... Yeah. Folks, I can't explain it any better than that right now. A/L Slash! Yay!


Title: The Prince Bride: Surviving the Fire Swamp  
  
Author: Sagarian  
  
Rating: PG-13 for language  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or universes and I'm not making any money from this. That's just the way it is.  
  
A/N: This is a short, fun piece based on a sort-of crossover between LotR and the Princess Bride. It is about the Fire Swamp scene in the Princess Bride with Aragorn as Wesley, Legolas as Buttercup, and Boromir as Prince Humperdink. This is just a good time, ya'll. It would really, really help if you've seen the Princess Bride because some things will be confusing otherwise. If you haven't seen it, then when something confuses you, you can just pretend you didn't see it =) That's what I do! The Princess Bride has some hi-larious movie goofs (when a noticeable something happens in a movie when it's not supposed to) and the ones from the Fire Swamp scene are mentioned in this story. For more movie goofs, go to slipups.com. You're going to want to take out your whole movie collection and laugh your ass off at each screw-up. I know I did! Oh, and be kind- rewind! I mean, review! Review! Then you can ask a favor of me =) (Your favor: "Don't ever post on ff.net again, Sagarian!")  
  
This is dedicated to my best mate, JaggedArrow, who laughed her ass off about this one goof in the Princess Bride before I even showed it to her. Remember cardboard cutout, Jaggy? I know you do! It'll haunt you forever! Muhahahaha! All hail your Royal Redness, always and forever! Love you lots! ~*Sagarian  
  
~ indicates someone's thoughts ~  
  
~*~ The Prince Bride: Surviving the Fire Swamp ~*~  
  
The sound of horses in the distance attracted the attention of both Prince Legolas and the Man in Black as they stood by the edge of a hill. ~ It must be Prince Boromir come to rescue me ~, Legolas thought with both hope and despair. He cared not for the cowardly prince, but anything was better than the unknown intentions of the man beside him. He recovered from the distraction first and stared daggers at the man who murdered his one true love.  
  
"You can die for all I care!" He hissed at the man and had him sprawling down the steep hillside with one brutal shove. The Man in Black hit the ground hard with each tumble, but still managed enough breath to call out to Legolas.  
  
"Aaaasss.! Yooouuu.! Fuck this. Stupid, it's me! Aragorn! I mean. Arrrr.aaaaa...goooorrrnnnn!"  
  
Legolas gasped when he realized what he'd done.  
  
"Aragorn, love! I am coming!" He cried, but still hesitated in making that faithful leap down the hill. ~ Damn it all. If I had a bloody shield, I could surf this shit. ~  
  
"I better not muss my hair." He muttered and flung himself down.  
  
Being better prepared for his trip down the hill, Legolas managed to work in a few well-executed, tuck-n-rolls. He landed a few feet from Aragorn who was already flat on his back.  
  
They both lie still for a moment, taking mental stock of the aches in their bodies. Aragorn forced his limbs to unjellyify. He began crawling to his prostrate mate.  
  
"Even though you pushed my unsuspecting ass down the hillside, I am still able to recover first and see how you are." Aragorn moved over Legolas, pushing strands of his hair from his fair face. He frowned down at his motionless form. "Can you move at all?"  
  
"Move?" Legolas breathed, staring into Aragorn's eyes, "You're alive. If you want, I could fly!"  
  
They embraced tightly, praying they would never be forced to part again.  
  
"Why did you not wait for me?" Aragorn asked, forcing himself not to add, 'Boo to the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Garbage! Booooo! Rubbish! Muck! Booooo!'  
  
"Well." Legolas tried to defend his shameful actions, "You were dead."  
  
"Death cannot stop true love." Aragorn said with scary seriousness.  
  
"But."  
  
"I said, it cannot!"  
  
"You are saying that.?" Legolas' voice betrayed something truly fearing. "You are. the living dead?!"  
  
He pushed at Aragorn's chest and began wailing as loud as he could. "Boromir! I am here! I am down here! Help!!!"  
  
Aragorn stopped Legolas' pleads with a well-placed hand.  
  
"Shhh! Shut up! I am not a zombie. I was never dead."  
  
"But you said."  
  
"Well, if I die later, you know I will come back from the grave for you. *Then*, I'll be the living dead."  
  
Legolas looked a little uncertain of this whole rising-from-the-dead issue, but he knew his love for Aragorn could make anything possible.  
  
"Then, I will wait for you always, whether you be dead ~*~ shudder ~* ~ or alive."  
  
Aragorn smiled at his truthful expression.  
  
"May there never be a need."  
  
He leaned down and kissed at Legolas' mouth wetly. The kiss was made desperate by the five years that had separated their lips. Moaning into his lover's warmth, Aragorn thought of how much he missed this happiness. ~ Mmm, he still tastes like warm vanilla sugar. ~  
  
Just as the kiss was deepening and tongues were beginning to entwine, a voice came from the heavens themselves. It interrupted the scene of the two lovers soul-kissing and a new scene replaced it. There was a sick boy sitting up in his bed with his grandfather by his side, an open book in his lap.  
  
"What?! They're kissing? Columbo! I mean, Grandpa! Why are you reading me a homoerotic fairy tale?" The young boy's annoying voice broke the spell the grandfather had been weaving.  
  
He sighed and sat back in his chair a little. Was the little homophobic runt going to interrupt every hot scene between the two studs? Every time it started getting romantic and sexy between the handsome males, 'Grannndddppaaa! Whine! Bitch, bitch bitch!'  
  
"You know," He gritted out, "When you're older (and can think for yourself), you might not mind so much."  
  
"Grandpaaa!" The boy whined, "I won't be a homosexual!"  
  
"Don't knock it until you've tried it, kid. But, since you're sick. I'll humor you. Now, where were we." He flipped the page, "Oh yes. Aragorn and Legolas raced along the ravine floor."  
  
The scene magically flashed back to Aragorn and Legolas. uh, racing along the ravine floor. Ahead, they could see the dark, yawning mouth of the Fire Swamp.  
  
Aragorn glanced back toward the hilltop where he could make out the doll- sized forms of Prince Boromir and his cronies on horses.  
  
"Ha! That pig fiancé of yours is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp." He squeezed Legolas' hand and pulled him onward.  
  
"There is one thing I do not understand." Legolas said as they neared the opening.  
  
"What is it, lovely?"  
  
"The horses. I thought the only way up the Cliffs of Insanity was to climb. So, their horses can fly?" Legolas mocked (shout out to slipups.com!).  
  
Aragorn and Legolas shared a good laugh over the impossibility of the occurrence.  
  
They stepped into the infamous Fire Swamp and fought the urge to turn back. Long, thick vines draped from the unseen canopy to the debris-littered ground. Ancient trees pocked with strange markings leaned over them oppressively, swallowing the daylight before it could reach their eyes. Gnarled, hunched tree roots made it impossible to travel a clear path. A long, hollow howl came from somewhere deep in the heart of the swamp sounding like a wounded beast.  
  
"Not bad." Aragorn tried to say lightly.  
  
Legolas turned to him and gave him a "look."  
  
"I'm not saying I'd build a summer home here, but the trees are rather nice."  
  
The "look" continued.  
  
"All right, fine. This is hell and a half." Aragorn gave up trying to make it better and pulled Legolas further on. They cautiously moved around the shiny spider webs and hanging moss that was like a witch's hair.  
  
A strange piping sound began and they frowned at each other, confused.  
  
A sudden burst of flames shot up where the sound had been and burned brightly before disappearing back into the ground.  
  
"You know, if you had been wearing a dress, it just might have caught fire." Aragorn indicated Legolas' tight fitting leggings.  
  
"But, I am at least ten feet away from where the fire shot up." Legolas pointed out reasonably (shout out to slipups.com!).  
  
"I know, but. I am just saying. Okay, you're right. It does not make sense."  
  
Another piping sound could be heard directly under Legolas. Aragorn grabbed him by the waist and pulled him effortlessly to safety. Flames licked up where Legolas had been standing.  
  
"I know how to move out of the way, Aragorn. Do not treat me like some damsel in distress. I mean, is my name like. Oh, I don't know, Buttercup? Or some other randomly chosen maiden's name?"  
  
"I know. I just wanted to put my hands on you." Aragorn admitted unashamedly.  
  
"Well." Legolas smiled shyly, "That's all right then."  
  
Another part of the swamp forced Aragorn to unsheathe his sword and begin hacking away at the obscuring vines.  
  
"You still have not told me where you have been all this time." Legolas decided that trying to survive the deadly swamp was as good a time as any for this conversation. "Five years, Aragorn. Without even one post? The only way that could be justifiable is if you *had* been dead!"  
  
"It is a long story." Aragorn started, trying to convey his desire not to go into the details.  
  
Legolas stared at him, unmerciful.  
  
"Give me the short version, then."  
  
Aragorn sighed.  
  
"Me. Ranger. Woods. Attacked. Hunted. Lost. Found."  
  
Legolas looked at Aragorn with an unbelieving expression on his face.  
  
"The living dead story was better." He scoffed, but let Aragorn off the hook.  
  
They came to a deep pit, but luckily for them, a huge tree had fallen perfectly over it. Aragorn bent by Legolas as if to carry him wedding-style across the tree. Legolas pushed his hands away.  
  
"Let me have this. Please?" Aragorn begged.  
  
"Such a romantic." Legolas rolled his eyes, a bit annoyed. Nevertheless, he put his arm around Aragorn's shoulders and hopped into his arms.  
  
"Yay! I am carrying you across the ditch! Yay! Yay! Yayyyy!" Aragorn cheered a little too happily. Legolas just smiled and swung his legs a little bit. ~ This is quite nice ~, he thought girlishly.  
  
Once they cleared the pit, Aragorn continued to carry Legolas.  
  
"Okay, I think I can manage walking on flat ground." Legolas teased him.  
  
"Fine," Aragorn sighed with mock exasperation, "I will let you down. Right here."  
  
Beside where Aragorn stood, there was a large puddle of sand with long chips of black wood in it. ~ This looks good ~, Aragorn thought mindlessly. He set Legolas down and watched his slender form slip quickly into the deceptively deep sand trap.  
  
"Awww, shit."  
  
Aragorn grabbed a conveniently low-hanging vine, took a deep breath, and dived headfirst into the pit.  
  
The Fire Swamp was eerily quiet for long moments until a crusty rodent the size of a hobbit came by the sandpit. It sniffed at the taut vine pulled in the middle of the puddle, but was smart enough not to get too close. It ambled along with a low grunt.  
  
Another moment later and a straining hand burst from the still-standing sand and gripped the vine. Aragorn emerged from the pit, doused in sand grains, pulling himself up the vine hand over hand with Legolas clinging to his back.  
  
They dragged themselves weakly away from the pit, gasping and coughing. Aragorn helped Legolas lean back against a tree root.  
  
"The sand! It is going to get in my eyes!" Legolas moaned petulantly.  
  
"Wait a few frames. It will magically disappear." ~ At least mine will ~, Aragorn thought, seeing Legolas' hair, threaded with the sand, massed in his face. He helped him take out the intricate braids so his hair fell free and the sand could easier be shaken out.  
  
Aragorn smoothed his hand over Legolas' cheeks, dusting the grit away. His lovely's face was so very distressed, that he couldn't resist gathering him close. He rested his chin on Legolas' shoulder and it was then that he noticed the aforementioned rodent staring hungrily at them from about a meter away. ~ Hmmm, better not tell him about that. ~  
  
"Come on, love. Let us keep moving." Aragorn stood up and helped Legolas to his feet.  
  
Legolas stalked dejectedly after Aragorn. They left the site of the deadly silent sand trap.  
  
Legolas swiped at the sand on his slender thighs then shook his thick, gold hair in an exaggeratedly sexy way. He looked up at Aragorn through lowered eyelids, his face only slightly hidden by the silken curtain of his hair.  
  
"Uhhh." Aragorn's brain quickly started calculating: amount of time it would take to ravage my blue-eyed prince, minus the time it would take to find a decent location, multiply the amount of pleasure I would receive, divided by the chance of a fire spurt or creature making it not so fun.  
  
"We are not going to make it." The despair in Legolas' usually melodic voice made Aragorn forget about his sex-in-a-swamp formula and think only of comforting his lovely elf.  
  
"I thought you were always the hopeful one. Hey, we already know the three dangers of the Fire Swamp. The flame spurts give a warning sound before they erupt. And the quick sand, well, we know now what it looks like. We can avoid it easily enough."  
  
"What about the ROUSes?" Legolas asked innocently.  
  
"Rodents of unusual size? I don't think they exist." Still looking at Legolas, Aragorn held out his arms to receive the flying rodent. They both fell to the swamp's bedding with appropriate grunts and growls. Aragorn's sword flew off to the side.  
  
"Aragorn!" Legolas shouted as if Aragorn didn't know there was a huge rodent attacking him or as if calling out his name would help him defeat it.  
  
Aragorn tried to keep the nasty creature's mouth closed, but it yanked its face away and clamped its teeth over Aragorn's arm.  
  
Grunting in pain, Aragorn reared back his free hand and sucker-punched the beast. It rolled off him and had to pull its head back on (shout out to slipups.com!).  
  
"Look, Aragorn! You almost knocked his block off!" (Shout out to Rock em', Sock em' robots!)  
  
Aragorn tried to crawl for his sword, but the ROUS leapt onto his back to dig claws into his flesh. Aragorn managed to turn around and battle it face to face. He grabbed its mouth to avoid another lock down on his arm. The rodent's scary, Gene-Simmons-like tongue waggled from between his restrained chops.  
  
"Legolas! Stop standing there like a helpless cow and do something!"  
  
"Oh, right. I am a fierce elven warrior skilled in the deadly arts of archery."  
  
Legolas whipped out an arrow and loaded his bow with the nimble grace of an. uh, elven archer. His arrow pierced the beast in its side. It gave the most hilarious wail Legolas or Aragorn had ever heard. Despite the seriousness of the moment, they giggled lightly. Legolas pulled back another arrow.  
  
"Aragorn. Listen!" He let it fly and strike the ROUS again. It howled and rolled off of Aragorn. The human and elf continued to giggle. Legolas was about to shoot it again when Aragorn stopped him.  
  
He limped over to his fallen sword and picked it up from the dirt. His shirt was torn in the sexy, I-just-got-in-a-manly-fight style. His face was sweaty and flushed; his dark hair was wet around his storm-colored eyes. He stalked over the heaving ROUS and looked down on it with a grim expression. He pushed his sword deep into its exposed belly and listened to it howl again.  
  
Legolas grinned as Aragorn repeatedly stabbed the ROUS until its voice began to give out all together.  
  
"Damn! It's all used up." Aragorn said when his sword's thrusts no longer produced a comical sound from the still beast.  
  
Legolas came close to Aragorn and wrapped an arm around his waist. The continued their journey without much more ado.  
  
The sight of a light-filled clearing ahead told Aragorn and Legolas that they were history's first survivors of the Fire Swamp. The trees in the clearing were tall and strong, the leaves bright and colorful. Birds could be heard singing their blessings.  
  
"We made it." Legolas whispered in awe and pressed himself against Aragorn.  
  
"Wasn't so bad." Aragorn smiled.  
  
They leaned together to join mouths, but once again the sound of horses distracted them.  
  
~*~The End~*~!  
  
  
  
I'm finished with the story! Yay, yayyy! I'm finished with the story! Yay, yay! Yay!!!! (Okay, too much Crank Yankers for me). Come on, guys, at least let me know it didn't kill ya! I would hate to think I was responsible for some untimely deaths =) 


End file.
